Fist Fights and Fire Crabs
by SilverMooonshine
Summary: "Right, class. So you've had the introductory lesson, so today things are going to get a little more…interesting. Today we will be working with …" Kettleburn paused dramatically. "FIRE!" Sirius snorted under his breath. "It's going to be a good lesson. I can tell."


**Disclaimer: I still don't own Harry Potter :(**

 **Written for the QLFC Round 5:** **Glory Days  
Position: **Holyhead Harpies, Chaser 2  
 **Prompts:  
** Sirius Black - 3rd Year  
2(word) detention  
5(quote) Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss  
9(dialogue) I don't do well with snakes  
 **Word Count:** 2,514

 **It was nice to get back to writing something a little more light-hearted, especially light-hearted means Marauder fun. Thanks to Lizzie (TheNextFolchart) the amazing beta :) Enjoy!**

* * *

"Okay class, gather round! We'll be starting in five minutes!" called Professor Kettleburn, straining to be heard over the gaggle of students assembled on the grass. "Is there any chance of a couple of volunteers…?" He trailed off hopefully as the group of third years continued to ignore him.

Sirius glanced up at the sound of the voice, but upon seeing that no one else had bothered to pay attention either, he turned his attention back to the petite redhead who'd been batting her eyelashes at him for the past five minutes. He leant against a tree casually, brushing his dark locks out of his eyes, and turned his mouth up into a lazy smile. She practically swooned.

It was all too easy. A couple of jokes, a handful of compliments, a grin or two and a whole heap of charm — she was hypnotised.

"Sirius Black, get your lazy ass over here, the lesson's about to start!"

Blimey, he must be late if Potter of all people was calling him out on it.

Sirius turned back to the girl. "I'll see you around, yeah?" Throwing in a wink for good measure, he sauntered over the group of students on the grass and threw himself down next to James.

"Who was that?" Peter asked, with awe painted across his face as he craned his neck to watch the redheaded witch run back to her giggling friends.

"I don't know, Melissa maybe? Or Melanie… or was it Melinda?" Sirius' forehead furrowed in concentration. "Now I think about it, I'm pretty sure it was Melinda. I'll just go with Mel." Satisfied with this decision, he rolled his sleeves up and stretched out in the sun.

Peter scurried forward to sit in front of him. "So you're seeing her again?" he cried.

"Try not to wet your pants, Pete," James said lazily from his stretched-out position, eyes closed, trying to soak up the last of the September sun.

Sirius barked a laugh. "I dunno, we didn't make plans. There's always the first Hogsmede weekend, but I promised James we'd go to Zonko's, and Remus that I'd help him find some book or other. If I get desperate I guess I she'd do."

Peter's disappointed mumbles were interrupted by a low snigger form behind them. "I think she'd have to be the desperate one to go out with you, Black."

Sirius' fists unconsciously balled into fists by his sides, and James sat bolt upright. Peter scampered behind them, shaking like a leaf — he hated confrontation.

"Get lost, Snivellus." Sirius' voice was calm, but there was an unmistakeable threat in it.

"Or what?" Snape hissed back.

In seconds, Sirius was on his feet. He stood nearly half a foot taller than Severus, towering over him as he pushed his wand into the smaller boy's neck. "Or I'll—"

"Right, class!" said Professor Kettleburn brightly, stepping out onto the grass. "All ready! I could really have done with a little help back there you know, those crates aren't light! But no matter, no matter…" He trailed off as he caught sight of the two boys at the back. "Can we all sit down now, then, please? Black, Snape; I'm talking to you."

Reluctantly, Sirius withdrew his wand, and Severus' mouth twisted into an arrogant smirk at his victory. Without even thinking about it, Sirius let his fist shoot forward and connect with the hooked nose.

"Mr Black!" Kettleburn snapped. "Detention tonight, and don't think Professor McGonagall won't be hearing about this. Now will you all please SIT DOWN so I can start this lesson?" He was getting too old for this, and frankly he lacked the limbs to be able to deal with students like Sirius Black. That boy was a task that needed at least ten arms; the single arm and leg he had remaining were simply inadequate.

"Bloody hell, mate, I think you almost broke his nose there!" Glee shone from James' face as Sirius settled himself down, rubbing angrily at his knuckles. "I think we need Remus in this class just to keep you in check."

"But just think—Remus wouldn't let us just sunbathe at the back, and I wouldn't get to take swings at Snivelly's greasy little face. All Remus ever wants to do is read some runes from a dusty old textbook with a load of swotty Ravenclaws. No, thanks."

James chuckled and leant back in the sun.

"Right, class. So you've had the introductory lesson, so today things are going to get a little more…interesting. Today we will be working with …" Kettleburn paused dramatically. "FIRE!" Flames shot from the end of his want, perhaps a little lower than he had anticipated, and caught the end of a mousy Hufflepuff's plait. "Ah, right, sorry, there we go," he stammered, hurriedly extinguishing the flames while the girl let out a terrified shriek.

Sirius snorted under his breath. "It's going to be a good lesson. I can tell."

"So, anyway, as I was saying before—well—I was saying: fire creatures. I've got two sets for you to work with, but you'll get to swap round in a few weeks so none of you will miss out! Half of you will work with fire crabs." Kettleburn gestured to the crates on his right. "The rest will work with salamanders." He used his prosthetic left arm to wave toward the other set of crates.

"The fire crabs are sort of like turtles, except sparkly and with a nasty habit of shooting fire at you. The salamanders live in fire; they're more like lizards or snakes, but much, much hotter. So split up, choose a crate!"

Sirius and James watched the group of Slytherins head immediately for the snake-like animal. "So," Peter piped up cheerfully. "The salamanders sound really cool –"

"Come on you two, there are still a few fire crabs left," Sirius said, casting a glare at Severus. "I don't do well with snakes."

They reached the crates and found there was still one left that they could share between them. The little creature inside looked harmless enough; its shell was embedded with diamond-like stones which glinted in the sunlight.

Sirius glanced around and picked up a stick that lay near his feet, prodding at the shell in an attempt to get the creature's head to appear. Suddenly, without warning, a burst of flames shot out of its rear end. Peter squealed in pain, his wrist glowing an angry red.

Professor Kettleburn dashed over, looking grim but unsurprised. "Be careful boys!" he said, scooping burn cream onto Peter's arm. "Pettrigrew, are you okay?"

Peter nodded, his lower lip quivering, while the other two Marauders fought to hold back laughter. As soon as the professor had disappeared, Sirius turned to James with a wicked glint in his eye.

"How many do you think we can get to do that?" A plan was quickly forming in his mind. "Peter, we're going to need loads of really small stones—"

"—we can cast disillusionment charms on them so people won't see them—" James continued, and Sirius sent him a grin. They thought exactly the same way sometimes.

"– And a tracking spell so they'll hit their target –"

"– Then we can try it on the salamanders too and see if it works –"

"– And hopefully give Snivelly a few burns," Sirius finished, a huge grin spread across his face. He looked down at Peter. "Come on, Peter! What are you waiting for? We need stones. Go, go, go!"

As soon as Peter made it back, they sent him off once more and began casting their charms on the small rocks. It took a while to get the aim right, earning them a few glares from disgruntled students rubbing the backs of their heads.

On the seventh attempt, they hit their target. One of the rocks Sirius had thrown collided with another group's fire crab; flames erupted in the middle of a huddle of Ravenclaw girls. Their high-pitched screams echoed across the ground, and one of the smaller girls ran to take cover. Tears of laughter streaming down his face, Sirius sent another rock toward a crate further away. More screams, more flames. This lesson was getting better and better.

Professor Kettleburn was having a whale of a time, galloping around with his burn cream from group to group, his smile growing bigger with every second. The last decade or so he'd been much calmer at Hogwarts, but he'd secretly missed this chaos. If he'd noticed that there was one group who weren't getting burnt—a group containing two boys clutching their stomachs from laughter—he certainly wasn't going to call them out on it. He was having far too much fun.

Eventually Sirius and James ran out of stones, and besides, their sides hurt too much to carry on anyway. While the rest of the class stood a wary distance from their crates, nursing their wounds (which thankfully weren't too serious), the two Marauders had collapsed in a breathless heap. Peter eyed their own fire crab cautiously before joining his friends on the ground.

"Taking this class. Was the best decision. I've ever made," James panted. "Remus doesn't know what he's missing out on."

"This is definitely going in the book of pranks."

"Your prank notebook? I thought that was only for prank ideas that you haven't put into action yet?"

"Usually," Sirius said. "But this is far too good not to record _somewhere_ , don't you think?"

"Good point." James let out a contented sigh. "That thing's going to be full before we even finish third year."

"I've started numbering the pages so we can find the ones we want more easily," Sirius said.

"Merlin." James feigned a look of horror. "Remus is finally rubbing off on you. Quick, do something Sirius-y"

"Seriously, or Sirius-y? Because those are two very different things."

James rolled his eyes. "As ever, Black, the puns you make with your name are unparalleled."

"I know, my wit is unmatched."

"Only because no one else would sink that low," James jested, earning him a light punch on the arm.

"I do feel like I haven't gotten back at Snivellus properly yet," Sirius said, squinting across the grounds at the Slytherin group. "He barely even got scalded."

James looked doubtful. "You did punch him in the face…"

"Oh shush, Potter, you know you want him to suffer as much as I do. You've got to stop stifling my creativity; you've got to let me fly!" He stood up and spun around with his arms wide to emphasise his point. James rolled his eyes.

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss," Peter interjected, looking proud.

"Did you make that up, Pete?" James asked.

Sirius snorted before their friend had a chance to answer. "What a load of crap, Peter. Have you been listening to Remus again? Flying is where you sit on a broom and it carries you into the air." He slumped back down on the ground again. "There has to be something I can do." Over in the Slytherin group, Severus had leant over to examine his salamander.

An idea slowly began to form in Sirius' mind. Raising his wand, he gently levitated their fire crab from its box.

"Hey, James, cast a disillusionment charm on this for me, would you?" Sirius saw the look of realisation pass across James' face, followed by the look that said he knew this was a bad idea, and finally a smile that said he was going to do it anyway.

Sirius guided the invisible animal through the air until it was hovering over the crate containing Severus' salamander. "Take the charm off," hissed Sirius. "I want to see the look of fear on the slimy git's face."

James removed the charm, and the fire crab became visible; as expected, terror flashed across the young Slytherin's face as he realized what was about to happen.

Sirius was smirking. "And dropping it in three…two…one!"

But just as the creature was about to land, Professor Kettleburn leapt into action as though he'd suddenly regained all the energy of his youth. Diving towards Severus, he pushed his student to the ground with his good arm. He stuck his remaining leg between the crab and the salamander in an attempt to separate them, just as the crab released a fireball from its rear end and set off a huge explosion.

Sirius' face drained completely of colour.

He'd just killed a beloved Hogwarts teacher.

Oh _Merlin._

As the smoke slowly cleared, a spluttering Professor Kettleburn emerged, and Sirius released a huge sigh of relief. It was short-lived; out of the corner of his eye he saw the familiar shape of Professor McGonagall making her way briskly towards them.

"Professor Kettleburn, what on Earth is all this commotion? Students all the way in the castle have been complaining about the noi—Silvanus!" She had gone as pale as a sheet. "Are you aware that half of your leg is missing?"

"Is it?" Kettleburn looked down at the bloody mess he'd made on the ground. "So it is! Oh, don't worry, Minerva," he added with a smile. "My own fault. I must have put this little fellow away in the wrong box." He indicated the shattered remnants of the fire crab's shell. "Why don't you take the rest of the students inside. Black can help me clean up here."

"Clean up?" McGonagall said, eyebrows raised. "Silvanus, you need the Hospital Wing."

"Yes, yes, we'll clean up and then go to the Hospital Wing." He waved his hand as if the exact order of events was unimportant. "It's not the first time I've lost a leg, Minerva."

Thin-lipped, Professor McGonagall gathered up the students and all but ran back to the castle, casting slightly queasy looks at the mutilated leg as she left.

"Right then, Mr Black," Kettleburn said. "I'm going to need your help to get up to the Hospital Wing."

Sirius swallowed. "Sir, I am so sorry about your leg, I had no idea they would react like that, and you weren't supposed to be there, and I thought I'd _killed_ you. I'm so sorry, Professor." He hung his head.

"It's quite alright, boy."

"Does it—does it _hurt_?"

Kettleburn shrugged. "No, not really. I've got an anti-pain potion I take every morning just in case something like this happens. It's a dangerous line of work, teaching Care of Magical Creatures to a group of adolescents."

Sirius let out a sigh of relief. "I'm so sorry about your leg."

"It's no matter. I lost the other one ages ago and I got over that soon enough. I've learnt not to get too attached to my limbs. And between me and you—" Kettleburn leaned in as if he wanted to whisper, even though everyone else had gone. "That's the most fun I've had in ages."

Sirius looked up and, after a second of hesitation, grinned back. "So I take it I've been let off detention then?"


End file.
